Because History Repeats Itself #Day19 #2minutegems

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I’ve always been transparent about the various elements of my journey. If you know me, and have shared any amount of life with me, I’m pretty transparent about my journey.

I’ve shared how life hit hard when my 22 year old self found out I was pregnant with Kennedy.

I was told my close family and friends and the church community

-“you’re making a huge mistake”

• “Your life is over”

• “Get an abortion”- and even had someone volunteer to pay for it

• “You’re too young”

• I even had people stop talking to me because I was viewed as such a failure to them

I was broken. Alone. Afraid. Ashamed… and felt like the biggest failure. And granted my relationship with Kennedys dad wasn’t going to provide a strong foundation for Kennedy, but later I would learn, it didn’t need to. I had no clue what the future would hold, but I was determined to find out, with my child, and without those who chose to walk away from my life.

I was 5 or 6 months pregnant when I walked across the commencement stage with my undergraduate degree.

You know that part about life being over…. Honey it was just starting… Degrees don’t define us but I’d be remised to add that 4 years later I received my masters degree with my child!!!

That’s two degrees more, than most the people who counted me as a failure before I could even “win”.

Here’s the full circle moment- fast forward 8 years from 2014. Yes… just this year… this summer 2022 when I found out I was expecting my second child I fell into a deep depression.

Before I could even give any one the opportunity to share their feelings about this seed, I began rotting my own soil with my own thoughts.

No one had to call me a failure… I felt like one…

No one had to tell me my life was ending I felt like it…

Even last year when I was sharing with loved ones that my hearts desire was to someday have another child…. There wasn’t a lot of support because some people just didn’t have the faith to believe with me when my situation lacked logic…

Not only that, but I was also having issues with my ovaries and pain during ovulation and so I convinced myself I couldn’t even get pregnant.

It was a straight up battlefield of my mind.

While my husband was rejoicing at the gift of his first child…. I was grieving the unknown….

I wasn’t happy… excited anything…. And felt selfish that I couldn’t rejoice in this blessing with my husband….

When I went back to counseling to process all of these emotions, I shared with my counselor that I was expecting and I was so disappointed in myself!

“FOR WHAT?” - she directly answered

“That was 8 years ago, you aren’t the same person you were and neither is your situation”

“Get over yourself and move forward”

Yes…. It really was that direct. And also just what I needed to push me out of that depression….

Wait you mean she wasn’t judging me and ridiculing me…. Wait… she didn’t see me as a failure… wait it was just me?

Sometimes what we don’t destroy is the part of us that destroys us. Ourselves!

We get in our own way projecting the negativity of what we expect others to perceive us by and often times, that doesn’t exist…

We create these narratives in our mind of our failures and inadequacies and negate the blessings and lessons in every situation.

She was right… my situation was very different this time. I was married to someone who loved me deeply. Who is committed to the process of doing life with me and building legacy with me… someone who is a provider and doesn’t back down from challenges when life gets hard…

So what the heck was I worried about?

But this season revealed that cyclical trauma on any level, un-healed will only be re-revealed…

And often times, life will represent the same challenges simply to see if you learned the last time..

I think I mentioned this before… when history repeats itself because it will … sow what you know…. Not sowing into others… but sowing into yourself.

You are good ground… a plant worthy of nurturing. Your mind, soul, and will, only grow when you give it the nutrients it needs to survive in this crazy world.

Speak life and tell the voices in your head that are set on speaking death to SHUT UP!!!

Take authority over those thoughts and bring them captive into your faith and the truths that have gotten you through hard times before.

Like I said yesterday, stay ahead of it.

In 2023, we don’t need to look around for what’s already inside of us. And when history repeats itself, know that you have what it takes to overcome.

This too shall pass! So let it make you (better), don’t let it break you!