Do you! #Day14 #2minutegems

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In my faith journey I have had to learn and unlearn ALOT!

I’m the typical grew up in a baptist church girl, who attended Sunday school and Sunday service faithfully every week. Wednesday night bible study, Thursday night choir rehearsal, and Saturday praise dance practice.

Yes all of it!

My mom has always been active in the church from being the youth director, choir director, and traveling all of over the U.S. for church conventions and the like.

So there was no mistaking this life.

I ain’t choose this life this life chose me lol

Not only that, my father was and always has been a bible scholar. His mother, my paternal grandmother has always spoken bible verses over me as a child. Even in her passing I can still hear my grandmothers prayers today.

My maternal grandparents are now both ordained ministers and have an incredible testimony of how they both came to know the Lord through substance abuse and life changes.

So the love and admiration of Christ has always been instilled in me.

This has followed me through my childhood into adulthood as I have explored and challenged the various narratives of what God means to me!

As I got into my late years of high school, I left my home baptist church as I felt I wasn’t being fed spiritually the way I needed. I explored other churches to see what else was out there.

Then I went off to college and lived in a predominantly white town where there wasn’t a Baptist church in sight… well one..

Sometimes I would travel back home an hour south just to get that old time religion “fix” …

Fast forward to young adult life…

My senior year of college I found out I was expecting my first child. When I walked across the stage receiving my bachelors degree, I was 5 months pregnant with Kennedy.

It was the first time I overtly experienced judgement criticism and the “you’re going to hell” backlash by people who claimed to love God but couldn’t love me. As if the same God who forgave them of their sins at some point couldn’t do the same for me.

Post Kennedy I began attending a mega church where my experience shifted immensely. I had gotten to a point where I was tired of being singled out and was sure there was no way anyone would notice me there.

And for the most part they didn’t… until I jumped into a relationship with someone who was deeply involved with the forefront and behind scenes of ministry.

Truth was, as time evolved I realized that as I spent more time with this person and witnessed the depths of spirituality on a different level I really felt like a babe in Christ.

That same depth of time built deception and the like, as I began to see how the ins and outs of ministry can equally birth spiritual manipulation and boy did I experience that on a different level. This person could say God said you need to go jump off that bridge and I would be ready to jump. I would see them saving face at church serving others, but behind our closed doors switching face.

The same hands some ministers use in the church to cast out demons, are the same hands they use to abuse their spouses… the same hands they use to masturbate- enthralled by temporary pornographic pleasure and cheat on their spouses…

These truths were leading me to a spiritual and physical death… suicide was in my hands but God was still in my heart… that’s when I began to know God as Savior.

It wasn’t until I was literally in a pit of despair post marriage that I realized how deeply and desperately I was reaching for a God I didn’t deeply know intimately. Just the surface level God is my savior but didn’t know Him as Lord. God was ever present but didn’t realize that The Holy Spirit was springing up like a well in me.

My pit of buried dreams of what I thought that marriage would be, was my birth place of faith…

Even as it came to an end I convinced myself that divorcing would send me to hell….

I had to lose my religion. Lose the traditions of the four walls of stained glass and just get to figure who God was for me.

Reading the word for myself by myself. Praying for myself by myself. I let go of everything I’ve ever known about organized religion, so I could just grasp what I knew for sure.

I stopped going to church expecting a glorified spiritual handout. I stopped reaching out to people to pray for me, and got down on my own knees. I stopped receiving prophetic words from people who were prophelying and saving face for their glorified moment.

And for a while I stopped going to church all together.

Then the pandemic hit and gathering in an organized assembly wasn’t even an option.

I’ve heard so many stories from others especially from millennials who have left church and given up on God all together… specifically because of how they’ve been treated by the church and its’ people.

Dear Christians can I make this clear….

If you represent a God who is full of love and compassion and grace and understanding…. But shun degrade devalue gossip and slander ordinary people….

All you’ve communicated is that God is a god who will shun degrade devalue gossip and slander them as well….

Wherever you are on your faith journey and whatever faith means to you in this season, do you!

No really. Don’t live for the church’s standers or by so called Christian’s standards… pursue the relationship you desire… if you’re curious, open your bible and ask God to reveal Himself through His word.

Rest, meditate, get plugged into interest groups. Do you!!!

Nobody can make these decisions for you. Nobody can access any level of the Holy Spirit that you need. So do you!

I’ll pray with you … walk with you … and encourage you through a judge-less lens of humanity and I mean that!

Surround yourself with that! I pray your discernment is sharpened so you can make the best decisions that are impactful and intentional for you.

Don’t let past experiences keep you away from allowing God to reintroduce Himself to you in an authentic way.

And if you’re walking in faith. Walk boldly and unashamed!

And in 2023, do you, because Gods got you either way!!!