Fueling the Fire

"...and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ;..."

-2 Corinthians 10:5

Your words or voice doesn't matter- I used to make the excuse that I was introverted or a more personal and quiet person. But deep down inside there was a little girl dying to be heard. Somewhere along the way I lost my voice. Silenced by the world and traumatic experiences with men and family, and eventually silenced by myself. I began convincing myself that my words had no value so I might as well not say a word. If I speak up, I’ll just be the loud black girl. Or a man will find you less attractive because men don’t like the loud, opinionated, outspoken type.

If you’re too vulnerable and too honest about what you’re really going through you may lose friends (bye Felicia) or people might start looking at you different. If I hadn’t found my voice and silenced that lie I wouldn’t be witnessing women week after week being transformed and inspired through what God is doing in my life. Even from week to week I’ll have some doubt about the blog content and how it will be received by you all, as if God didnt place this gift on the inside of me. Thus, my continuous prayer is that if at least one woman is blessed by my truth then God’s purpose is being fulfilled in my life. I am a mere instrument and desire no praise for anything I share, but let me be clear women need women. We need each other’s truths, each other’s prayers, and each other’s transparency, because so many of us are traveling the same path and keeping it bottled in for fear of being exposed or in hesitation of doing something different for once in our life. Silence is a lie! Fear is a lie! And the word says we literally overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.

What if someone else is one push away from giving up on their life because you are selfishly trying to burry an experience that God wants you to share. What if you’ve been waking up with expectation that one day your finances will get better but your pride has you convinced that you don’t need anyone’s help because it’s easier to LOOK like you have it all together instead of actually having it together. I’m not saying tell everybody on Facebook and they mama dem alllll ya business because most of your friends ain’t really your friends, some are spectators waiting to see you fail, many are flexing and pretending, and working overtime to look like they got it all together when they are more distraught than you, and some will speak on something they know nothing about, and may even throw some religion in there and be straight prophelying. There’s a level of healthy boundary that does need to exist.

BUT I am saying that there is someone who needs to hear you. Who wants to hear you. Who values your treasured words. Your voice is a lethal weapon! The word says we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Start by sharing with me, I am all ears!

You aren’t really beautiful - I’ve gained weight. Lost weight. Fried, dyed, and laid my hair to the side. I’ve compared and compared and compared and resented social media . Listen can I be real y’all, I still battle with this thought. And I may joke it off but honeyyyy it’s real. Since being in Texas I’ve stress eaten and gained so much excessive unnecessary and undisciplined weight in the process. On top of that, in moving to a new climate from Colorado to Texas, my hair has been dwelling in the disobedience of hot messiness! It has been frizzier and dryer than a lions mane! So of course I’ve found protective styles from a to z. I’ve literally cried y’all CRIED! The power of a woman’s hair y'all! AND as a busy mother and wife, the most neglected person in my life is myself. So me going out buying myself a nice outfit ain’t happenin! Chiiiiile I’ve been wearing some of the same clothes since 1992.

Okay y’all get it lol

And even though my husband speaks that life into me everyday, there is still a voice whispering ten times louder when I look in the mirror saying no girl you got some work to do! As if I’m not a full masterpiece! As if I’m not God’s treasure! As if I’m not somebodies mama and somebodies entire wife honey! My value is not in man! And the enemy does catch me slippin! But my comeback game is strong. I’m armed with an entire arson of scriptures and quotes of affirmation just in case I get caught slippin! The only thing that isn’t beautiful is those lies I accidentally believe from time to time!

BUT CAN I REMIND YOU WHILE I REMIND MYSELF- WE ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BEINGS IN THE WORLD! We are queens! Rare rubies! And if you are reading this girrrl you better keep slaying with your cute self! Like your own pictures, take yourself on a date, scroll back through your old pictures and remind yourself of how fine you've always been, get dolled up on a random day for no reason at all, don't wait for anyone to tell you that you still got it goin on, honey tell yourself, be the fuel to your own fire. Continue to perfect the best version of you, you are a masterpiece!

You’ll never get ahead -

Okay so in all the transparency that I share, when it comes to finances, it’s the hardest one to be transparent about! But because I am overcoming by the word of my testimony, I must confess that I’ve slowly found myself falling behind. I don’t have the worlds greatest credit and my debt count is immeasurable! As a single mother I had to make sacrifices, take out loans, and borrow what I knew I couldn’t repay. Slowly but surely that cycle became a drowning habit. And when I felt like I finally saw the light, something else always had to be thrown back to remind me I just won’t ever be where I really want to be. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck. Paid the minimum on bills. I’ve survived on two piece Tuesdays. I have faced repossession, eviction, and had to straight up block collection companies who called ya girl every five minutes. Went and got my masters knowing tor sure it would double my salary- ha that’s funny 😂 Can I get a witness? Like can we just be real for once in our life? This may not be everyone’s truth but it’s certainly mine.

This one I’m still working my way through, but I have been making the smallest adjustments to my spending and eating habits. &

Resoliciting discipline in places where pure laziness and carelessness made a home out of the fruits of my seeds of labor.

And most importantly reminding myself that God’s desire is for me to live an abundant life, and abundance may look different for everyone but honey struggling is not abundant to me, so this undoubtedly is not my final destination. Mark my words, when you come looking for me 5 years from now, even this time next year, I WONT BE HERE! I will be putting this lie to shame and using Gods victory to bring this lie to shame in your life as well!

You’re not a good enough Christian—- ooooooweeeeee! Listen!!!

• You don’t pray enough.

• You missed a few days of your devotion time.

• You don’t tell people on your job about God because you don’t want to be THAT person

• You be gossipin huh? Just can’t wait to tell somebody else’s business

• You gone tell that little lie like God don’t know the real reason you was late to work again?

Okay not real enough? Bet

• You still cuss? That’s a strike

• Ooooo and you drink? Double strike

• You turned up last night WITH OTHER CHURCH FOLKS and then had the nerve to show up at church this morning? Triple strike you’re out

• Sex before marriage?

I can go on and on- but the truth of this lie is that sin is sin. I will never proclaim self righteousness because ya girl has her share of iniquity! But God is after progression not perfection. And any stride away from that old, broken, immature person you used to be, is what God is after. He can’t use perfect people! But he WILL use your life wherever He finds you, if you’re willing! If I’m still standing after the countless times I’ve fallen, so will you!

You’re failing as a mom - I remember one of the first years I began teaching. I spent so much time perfecting my role, staying late, showing up early, and coming home exhausted that I realized that I was investing so much more into everybody else's child but my own. And it began to show!

When my daughter started being a little sassier, acting out for attention, showing clear signs that she needed me, I took it as a clear sign that I was failing. And I still do until this day! Like I’m missing the mark somewhere. But if I’m constantly exhausted and trying to raise her from an empty cup, then it’s a clear indication that something has to go. Nothing will ever be more important than my home. As a part of sacrificing I have learned to neglect the things that are neglecting me. The things that occupy too much of my attention, time, and emotions. My prayer is to sleep well knowing that my daughter is not only taken care of physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. Thus, my priority is reminding her of just how loved she is, of how beautiful she is, of valuable she is to me, talking with her about her day at school, praying for her and with her everyday so that she knows God for herself, and spending time on/ budgeting for activities she enjoys. Will I ever be perfect, of course not. But everyday that I wake up and nourish this seed that I have planted, I am determined to watch it grow. And I will silence every lie in the process that diminishes any effort.

You should just divorce- you and your husband will never make it —- If people really knew what my husband and I have REALLY been through in our almost first full year of marriage they A. Wouldn’t believe it. B. would encourage us to divorce. Or C. Would add our business to their list of gossip

We’ve argued, disagreed, let each other down, not been enough, or been too much for one another. We’ve assumed, miscommunicated, struggled overcame and struggled again in the same areas that we just overcame! There have been specific times in the past year that we both wanted to just walk away. BUT GOD! I'm telling yall that marriage is work! Its not always pretty! And if you are not protecting the most sacred and intimate gift from God, it can become susceptible to anything and fail miserably right before your eyes.

Three things here:

1. Divorce is not an option in our marriage. My husband and I have declaratively spoken this over our marriage because we’ve both seen divorce plague our families for generation upon generation.

2. I have one person I can confide in outside of my husband, who is married, and who will share wisdom from the truth of Gods word, will never judge me, will never slander mine, or my husbands name outside of our presence, and will never encourage or suggest divorce when there are side doors of prevention, before bolting to the emergency exit. Wherever you are in your marriage always keep a clear path towards your ear, and keep a keen ear to Gods voice. Some people are enacting the role of earwax and are clogging up your ability to know the truth and what God really desires for you!

3. Marriage is about the worse, poor, and sick! The better, rich, and health is added favor!

And every time our marriage is attacked it makes us go ten times harder!

Being a homeowner and debt free is a distant reality for you - Girl have you looked at your credit. Aint no way you'll ever get approved for a thing. You should just stop dreaming because big blessings like those don't happen to people like you.

To make a shame out of this lie, my husband and I continue to write the vision and make it plain. Detail by detail, layer by layer, brick by brick, and Room by room of what our home WILL look like. God will never tell you what something is not, or what you can not achieve. Only the enemy will do that because he hates to see you come up out of a pit with infinite power! Stride every day. Even when it makes no sense, change your language and speak like its already done! The power of life or death lies in the tongue. Don't you dare limit your dream to what's right in front of you! Remember Gods desire is life and life abundantly, shift your language, silence those lies, and receive it like it's already yours!

You’ll never be able to have more children - I mean let’s be real children are expensive. You’ve been a single mom before and you barely made it. You had a ton of support but now you’re in a new state with no village, there’s no way you can take care of another baby on top of the one you already have!

Those are straight up lies and sometimes they still blind my sight.

I honestly lost my ability to dream getting so caught up in the way things look right now and I honestly became content with being complacent right where I am. But isn't faith the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen?

Therefore, my husband and I are standing and believing in faith that we WILL have a baby. We know what God’s desire is for our union and we’ve already faced so many stepping stones from the enemy that could have completely derailed our faith. Even JUST the other day I went to the doctor for a lady check up and no lie y’all this lady said my copay was going to be $172. YALL if that ain’t the devil in the form of a copay I don’t know what is. So I respectfully walked away. My first thought was “you gone cry in the car” and I did shed a tear or two lol turns out that was part of the health insurance plan I selected. So “that’s what you get for being unknowledgeable about the decisions you were making about your health insurance. Your fault! Now you’re stuck! Such a failure ”

I could have easily taken that as a denial but delay never means denial. When God speaks, it is so! Gods word will never return void!

We know we are right where God wants us! Y’all! Don’t forget this day! Stay tuned because that lie is coming doooowwwwnnnn!