Melanism: A black man's preference

Colorism- differential treatment based on skin color, especially favoritism toward those with a lighter skin tone and mistreatment or exclusion of those with a darker skin tone, typically among those of the same racial group or ethnicity.- dictionary.com

It is no surprise that the discussion around Colorism in the black community, has created deep rooted and emotional conversations for decades. Whether we date back to the conflictive constructs of privileges granted to lighter complexioned slaves, or the following examples through the years that have prospered in the media including classic shows like Martin, this is an unescapable truth. Even in the innocent eyes of children, the baby doll test conducted in the 1940's which asked children their preference of beauty and why, proved how white and lighter skin babies outnumber the interest of darker skin babies by a landslide

There is a very evident discrepancy within the black community when it comes to the varying complexions of our skin. Though many things, have changed over the years the oppresion towards, and within the black community has not changed. There has been significant scholarly resources published over the years that have also revealed these discrepancies including truths like how, dark skinned women are less likely to get married.

Now maybe you are thinking it's 2020 why are you still talking about this. The truth is as a black woman, I have observed and been a part of numerous conversations over the past few years that have entertained this idea of Colorism. In particular, I have heard several women in the black community express their frustration around what black men prefer when it comes to black women.

While the facts have always been clear, I decided to do some research of my own... I surveyed 19 black men of various ages, relationship statuses, and demographic locations regarding their preference of black women.

While the facts may surprise some, and be evident to others, let me add this disclaimer:

1. All men are different, so a black man's preference will never be a one size fits all. It will always be impacted and shaped by different factors.

2. We’re talking about preference not standards. If you have no preference at all, that may be an indication of your lack of standards.

3. The facts prove that this discussion is always going to be relevant.

4. I am not saying any of these beliefs or feelings are right, I am saying they are real.

The findings include....

• About 80% of black men desire for their spouse/partner to be black

• 53% of black men are only attracted to black women

• 4 out of 19 men have shifted their dating preference based on a bad experience with a specific race

• 32% only date within their race

• Light skin women are preferred over dark skin women

• Women with curly hair are preferred over any other hair type

• Women with a medium-build body type are preferred most

• Only 37% of black men agree that their preference is impacted by the women they grew up around

• Personality is rated highest over looks and character

• 47% of black men agree that their preference is impacted by how they want their children to look, or the culture they want them to grow up immersed in.

From a black woman’s perspective...

A lot of the conversation with black women including myself has been around the idea that solid black men who value all shades of black women are an extinct treasure. I notice a lot of black men saying they love black women but at the end of the day they actually love a certain type of black woman. Now, hear me out, I know different men have different preferences, but overall what is viewed as beautiful and attractive among black men, is a curly haired light skinned woman.

I believe that for a lot of black men, their preference is built by the women they grew up around ie; their mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers etc.

I equally believe that a lot of men have been damaged by black women as well and thus, pursue women outside of their race. I have often heard the saying that black women are too outspoken, unsubmissive, always have attitudes, etc which naturally pushes black men away from pursuing them or being interested in them.

Realize this... Naturally women’s insecurities are built by the acceptance of the world around them ESPECIALLY by their black men.

I’ve even been guilty of being in relationships with men who name what they find attractive, and working effortlessly to try and be that instead of just being me.... I also believe this is why a lot of women lower their standards when they are having such a hard time being found by a genuine, stand up, black man.

“Light skinned dudes ain’t in no more”

"Call me caramel machiatto"

"The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice"

It’s all jokes until it’s not...

That’s our way of finding peace and coping with it but, deep down there’s still an emotional decay.

I used to try to avoid the sun because I loved having a lighter complexion. Some people would still consider me as light skinned today. However, as I’ve grown older I don’t care as much about the shade of my skin because I’m growing more in love with who I am, as I am. Whether I’m out in the sun allday getting that good tan or not, melanin is poppin period. That also comes with confidence and assurance in yourself as a woman to know that the man God has for you is for you period, but I digress.

I’ve heard the saying she’s cute for a dark girl, or a big girl, as if dark and big wouldn’t other wise be attractive. Thus, women have grown up to believe that being the exception makes you worthy.

When a woman is asking someone about a particular man she’s going to ask what “type” of women does he like. Many times they are asking about a look... does he like light or dark skinned women? What type of women has he dated in the past, because that may have a huge effect on how he perceives me.

Again from a woman’s perspective I believe that there is a “wifey type”. Like if we’re talking about a trophy wife she’s not the dark, thick girl. When a guy pulls out his phone to find the baddest chick on social media 7 times out of 10, he’s going to scroll past the dark skinned woman who has the same features as the light skinned woman. He will say “this might be wifey” because there’s a perception that she’ll make his image look better.

I also believe too that there’s a difference between curly hair that you see with mixed women, and a black woman rocking her natural hair. Now this does depend on the region, but a lot of times if you’re big, dark, and rocking your natural hair men aren’t checking for you. So, men will make comments about that type of woman being a black Nubian Queen with the natural, to make light of the situation but a lot of times they’re not fully interested.

Women have a preference too. I think light skinned dudes have always been rated as the pretty boys, or the women chasers, and dark skinned men have also been largely overlooked.

I’ve also heard women who live on the west coast or mid west say they’re going to move to the south or the east coast, especially the south, because they feel they’ll be more seen and more appreciated by black men.

My last thought is to look at the source, and what purpose is trying to be instilled. It’s never been a surprise of how white superiority and systematic oppression has been distinctly designed to tear down the heart and soul of black people and black culture. Could this oppression have an impact on the way we see and treat ourselves within our race? Absolutely! But I believe in knowing this fact, for as much as the world outside of us works to tear us down, we should work overtime to continue to build each other up.

My final thoughts

Men respect your queens

Ladies respect your crowns

Never Settle

Never dim your Light

Your BLACKNESS is dope, rich, resilient, and beautiful

In all shades, sizes, tones, and characters, flaws and allllllll. We are ROYALTY!!!

Don't cookie cut or box out your idea of beautiful, live with your preference, but never limit yourself to one idea.

MELANIN

Stay tuned for part two... Until then read, share, continue the conversation, and live inspired!

Another great read around this conversation

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/08/dark-skinned-black-girls-dont-get-married