Planted in Grief

In Loving Memory of Barbara G. Fortune

Isn’t it ironic how the man with the plan is the man we seek when His plan has demolished that of our own?

When the pain comes rushing like a seismic wave, when the thoughts are numb, and our heart skips a distraught beat, the only request is God Help Me!

For some it may be the need for a familiar face who can empathize with the pain.

As the condolences serve notice to your ear, the truth is.....There’s no word of solace that can speak to the burden your heart feels. "They’re in a better" "Absent from the body is present with the Lord" "Heaven gained another angel" Yeah we get that... Maybe five years down the road I’ll come to grips with that. but in that moment, it's like a ringing fire that your eardrum cant bare to receive.

And even months, or a year later, as it has been for me... I still find a deep sense of emptiness still trying to boggle my mind around the fact that my grandmother is really not with us anymore. but I recently reached a moment of solace during a lesson that I was teaching to my class about the life of, and the interdependent relationships of a cactus. A cactus? of all things, I know it sounds wild, but bare with me.

A cactus is found in a hot, dry, stretched out place. And like many other living things, it requires rain, sun, nutrients, and air to survive. The life span and growth track of this plant, is long, slow, and steady:

• After 10 years of growing, it has only reached 10 inches in height.

• The cactus turns 25 years old (just a few years younger than I am now) and reaches 2 feet tall

At this point it learns to store water inside of itself, so that when there is a drought, it is equipped, and prepared to use what it already has.

• After 50 years, the plant reaches 10 feet tall

It allures a sound like a welcoming signal at different points of the day embracing animals who search for an interdependent relationship for food, shelter, comfort, and safety. And has a thick, covering, layer that remains unbothered.

• At 60 years of age the cactus is 18 feet tall- adds more space by growing an arm, and provides an immeasurable amount of shade for those near by
  

• at 150 years it tops growing at 50 feet tall encompassing 7 branches, and weighing 80 tons, which can equate to 7 cars. At this point the same plant that may have been overlooked, or avoided, at some point and time, now resiliently stands to attract an ample amount of creatures from near and far who egerly wait for spring time to feast off of the nectar and juicy fruit, residing at the highest peak of its' growth.

• at 200 years it falls - the only remains are the structures that supported it to stand tall the whole time But among its surroundings are an entire host of cactus growing and providing the same nourishment that, that cactus once provided

• In the end, this same plant that grew from a hot, dry, desolate place, has produced a flower that bursts open, full of fruit and inside you find 2,000 black, sun glazed seeds waiting to be replanted.

Consider this:

Maybe your loved one is in some way or another comparable to the life of a cactus. No matter the height, was full of depth. Who was always equipped with the armor, nutrients, wisdom, and grace, to endure any test of time, no matter the environment, or natural drought that life, would invite, there was no lack, because in Christ, they had all they could ever need. Maybe your loved one, was the one who every one sought out in their time of need, for physical, spiritual, and emotional shelter, who always lent the listening ear that drove peace to your soul, or just whispered a few words that calmed your fears, or that home cooked meal that warmed your heart. Whose entire being, was never to selfishly seek any earthly gain, but was to leave a seed, that would nourish your soul, for as long as you live. That deposit planted in you can show up in many different ways.

Maybe your grieving process is long, slow, and steady. One that many wont understand, or will underestimate the time needed for healing. As time progresses, the same interdependent relationships that intentionally fueled your loved ones soul purpose, are the same memories that inspire you, and encourage you, in your moments of solace, and help you to stand tall and endure the undoubtable tests of time. And in time, the same memories that are grasped in your time of grieving, begin to shape the way you view resilience, and strength, because it begins to ooze out of your pores, and you realize you never knew a strength like this before. It shapes the way you raise your children, and redefines the way you live every moment , with intentionality.

In either case, the beauty mark remains in the fact that what has died and been buried, is the same matter being used as seed for a new plant. We are seeds, living legacy, and breathing matter that has manifested from our loved ones. It's in the words we speak, it's in the decisions we make, it's reflected in those we choose to live intimately with, or even in our quiet time with God. And maybe it is even in the way we season the food of our soul.

No matter how long your season of grieving last, just know your seed needs to grow with time.... But the question is, how are you using your time to nurture what has been planted in y0u, from the one you have lost?

For me.....

I faced grief head on through the loss of my grandmother, Barbara G. Fortune. I remember the day, time, and very second so vividly. I was preparing for my daughter's third birthday party, which was to be held the next day. I was on my way to a close friend's birthday dinner, when my father called to tell me, my grandmother (his mother) had passed. I screamed, pulled over immediately and sobbed hysterically. My grandmother had several health issues off and on. Her heart was not in the best condition, and it was well within her soul that her time on this earth was coming to an end. In knowing this, my brother and I had purchased plane tickets to visit my grandmother in Philadelphia, PA for the following week.

Unfortunately, we were a week too short. A week short, of saying goodbye, a week short of coming to peace, a week short of just getting one more kiss or hug, or just hearing that sweet chuckle in her voice. A week short of her reminding me of how I would always say Ephesians in the silliest way when I was younger, because I was missing a few teeth. The pain pounded my heart, mind, and soul like a million bricks, and as time has progressed, the bricks have slowly began their release layer by layer. My process of grief was so substantial, that it prompted the need for extended, weekly, counseling, and eventually medication for anxiety. There still isn't a day that goes by, where I don't think about her, or whisper a prayer up to heaven, hoping that my angel, will protect her little girl. Now as I share this, just a few days after I was able to visit her grave site, back in Philly, I'm reminded of the seeds she left for me to nurture:

Her favorite saying was "I'm well because of Christ"- Anytime I find myself wanting to complain or give up, I remember, I am that I am because of Christ.

Our most recited scripture was Ephesians 3, putting on the whole armor of Christ.- There's not a day that I don't cite those verses when I feel the battle of life is impossible to face on my own.

Even in distance, she never missed a birthday, prom, graduation, Christmas, she was always there.

When I was a kid she would take us to her beach house in Jersey, and I'm not sure I remember a bigger smile, than those moments birthed upon her face.

And the highlight of my life, was the day she got to meet her great granddaughter, Kennedy.

My seeds for you:

*Take your time- There is no time limit on grief- Be patient with yourself

*Acknowledge your pain- it is there

*Know that your process is that of your own- no one will ever grieve the exact same way you do

*Break down the barriers that make you believe you're good on your own- true strength is opening up your rarest form of existence to your community.

*Make self care mandatory- in whatever way that looks like for you- avoid relying on substance and toxic ties for your only means of coping.

*Release any shame in seeking professional medical help for the sake of your mental well-being.

*Set aside quiet time, to write, and speak forth your thoughts and feelings.

*Understand that grief is inclusive of any major loss, it may not just be acknowledging the death of someone, it could be acknowledging a hard break up or divorce, an extreme financial shortage, etc.

*Know that in time, grief will produce healing. Live through it!

Ecclesiates 3 says,

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which has been planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal

a time to break down, and a time to build up

a time to weep, and a time to laugh

a time to mourn, and a time to dance

Yes, even God knew there needed to be intentional time set aside to collect, the seeds, dropped off from the life of the one you lost, to mourn the loss, and then to dance through the rain that radiantly, beats your heart back to life, and nourishes what has been planted in you.

While I am no grief expert, I pray this post has inspired you in some way or another. Fortunately, I have the privilege of knowing an award winning author, and psychotherapist (one of my dear friend's mother), who is flourishing in this area of life. I encourage you to visit her site, reach out, and of course purchase a copy of her book GOD HELP ME, I'M GRIEVING as you journey through this season of life.

In Loving Memory of my aunt Charlotte Dennis