Sharpened

As I was sharpening my students pencils this morning God reminded me of grace. 

I noticed how many pencils were missing erasers.

Usually I would throw these away because they are somewhat useless to first graders who make so many mistakes throughout the day. 

But today I was reminded that on the other side of the empty eraser is a pencil waiting to be sharpened and put to use. 

Sitting right next to a pencil sharpener

And a bucket of erasers ready to cover up any lack. 

I want you to think for a second about any areas in your life that looked useless and you overlooked, deemed worthless, or threw out before an expiration date arrived? What dreams have you given up on prematurely because the end point seemed unreachable? When did you stop believing you were beautiful simply because someone else stopped validating your beauty? What gifts or talents did you throw away simply  because your fire started losing fuel? What about that mistake you made that you just can’t forgive yourself for? When did your vision shift? When did you stop feeling inspired to live a purposeful life?  

I had to literally lose my mind and come all the way to a physical breaking point for God to show me I needed to be sharpened. God had to shake my life all the way up to remind me of my purpose on this earth. 

I remember when my husband and I were engaged. We were at constant odds. We had lost complete sight of God’s word for us. We both desperately needed to be sharpened. 

In the midst of this season, I also received news that my grandmother passed away.  So now I’m facing the hardest season I’ve ever encountered in my life. Not only did I deem my ability to love or be loved as worthless, my self worth and identity was thrown away, and eventually my life as a whole was spiraling to a place of no return. 

I was on a path of self destruction.

I faced an extreme anxiety attack and wrestled with suicide. I sunk into the worst depression of my life. I had no physical or mental strength to nurse my brokenness back to life, let alone tend to the needs of a young child with eyes gazing me down. I was the pencil drawing out my pain on a blank page, with no eraser.

I needed help. I called a friend who I knew would answer in the middle of the night with grace and understanding. She encouraged me to seek medical help because she too had recently began receiving support around her mental health. I immediately made a doctors appointment and began taking medication for anxiety and depression. That still wasn’t enough. I reached out to friends and loved ones one by one to finally speak my truth and be vulnerable about a topic of conversation that the world has constantly silenced. Each and every soul from my parents, to my siblings, and my best friends extended open arms of grace and immeasurable support. 

Through Christian counseling. I learned my triggers. I gained insight on the correct and healthy way to create boundaries. I stopped allowing the generational demons that were never faced before me, to dwell in my life. I had to forgive people and events from my five year old self, that kept creeping back into my conscience. I stopped pointing the finger at all the people who let me down, and started embracing those who were still standing with me. I found beauty in being okay with not being okay. And I finally started to live a life free of shame, silence, and mental illness.  I was finding healing in speaking my truth. I was finally becoming sharpened! 

I’m not even going to sit here and pretend that the sharpening has produced perfection. I still have my moments where anxiety seeps into my soul. Where I am unsettled. Worship is, has, and always will be my weapon. And when I’m not on my knees crying out to God, I’m in a sacred place with pen and Paper pouring out the truth of my journey to share with each and every one of you. 

I’m not saying life has to break you all the way down like it did for me just to realize you need to be sharpened. But I am here as your girlfriend, your sister in Christ, your accountability partner, reminding you that you that you will face seasons where you will need sharpening. It won’t be easy, but just as iron sharpens iron I will walk with you! (Proverbs 27:17)

Maybe you’re more like Moses and God has given you an assignment. Something He knew you could do, that you disqualified yourself on doing before even trying. Maybe you failed before. Maybe people’s words offended you so deep that you can’t bare to face it again. You were fired unfairly. You failed your way out of college. You miscarried for the third time this year. You’ve been rejected and neglected yet again. You’re facing an addiction or habit that you can’t break free from. Maybe it’s just your quick tongue. Your bad temper, or that attitude of yours that just keeps you in trouble.  Maybe you’re  running on E because you pour out so much from day to day that you’re now pouring bitterly from an empty cup. Maybe you’re fed up with opening up your heart to men who don’t value you the way Christ paid for you. Maybe you’ve been used and abused so bad that you wouldn’t dare let that wound heal, and love, and trust again. Maybe Just maybe you need to be sharpened... 

For Moses, God spoke to him from a burning bush in Exodus, calling him to Egypt to speak to Pharaoh about freeing the Israelites from slavery. 

Of his many objections to God, Moses even disqualified his own gifts. No like he literally responded and said, “Lord, I don’t have eloquent speech. I am slow of speech and of a slow tongue.” 

So of course God responds to Moses like a boss saying, “Did you forget who made man’s mouth? Or who make a man dumb, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is that not me? Now go and I will be with your mouth and teach you what to speak.”

Now you tell me what happens in Exodus 12:51. Try to tell me that God can’t use your trash, for His treasure! 

Can I remind you that God’s got you covered! Can I remind you that God’s word says, “His grace is sufficient. And his strength is made perfect in your weakness” 

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

The analogy of a pencil being sharpened is simple but the message remains the same... 

There’s no mistake that God can’t erase

There’s no lack that He can’t fill 

Be childlike in your faith today and leap all the way in knowing that you are the pencil/person that has purpose. And Your father is waiting with open arms of grace to cover up any mistake you may ever make. You can never disappoint Him. He exemplified the ultimate leap so He could erase and cover all of your sins. No matter the size of the leap He will sharpen you, sustain you, and He will get the glory! 🙌🏽

Written on October 29,2018.