The married millennial truth

I recently reflected on a conversation I had with a friend who was entering into an open door of divorce just after a few short weeks of being married. It made me think about the ways that we often get caught up in the glamour of the outward appearance of marriage, the beautiful photos we see when we scroll through our social media timelines, the “relationship goals” of couples who are just as flawed as us... All before being fully equipped to take part in such a life changing commitment. 

Oh no sis! This won’t ever be for the weak at heart, but luckily we are built for this.  Now hear me clear, I am the farthest from a relationship expert. My husband and I have only been married for 7 months. Hence why I have reached out to different women, in their 20’s and 30’s, of different races, stages, and stories who just like me, believe so deeply in women like you. In you knowing the real, transparent, and whole-hearted truth about what walking through marriage really feels like as a woman. Our snapshots of truth won’t even scratch the surface of all there is to know, but we are honored to inspire you to embrace the journey of love wherever it leads you, as we share our truths. 

*Note :each lesson is written by a different wife ❤️

L E S S O N S

The Greatest lesson I’ve learned through difficult times in marriage is grace and covering. As a wife there are no two better things you can offer your husband. 

One lesson that I admit to learning and am still learning istrue submission. After a heated argument between my husband and I, I found myself sitting on the floor, knees to chest crying hysterically. In my mind I knew that our marriage was over and there weren’t any words I could speak to change the outcome. I cried out to God saying “this isn’t fair” over and over again, I got no response, straight silence. Finally, after a few hours I stopped crying, the Lord spoke. It wasn’t the response that I expected, I expected consolation instead I got chastisement. He said “ baby girl, you are full of pride and self-righteousness because you do not trust Me to save you or protect you, you only want to save and protect yourself by your own means. You are not submitting your vulnerability to me, your life is in your hands. This is why you feel the need to always defend yourself against your husband. No amount of words will convince him of his wrong, it will be your chaste conduct that will turn his heart towards Me. It is through a quiet and gentle spirit not a loud and aggressive spirit. The only way to have a quiet and gentle spirit is through submission to Me, humbling yourself, letting go of your pride and trusting Me with your life, to save you and protect you. Your blood did not make you righteous, my Son’s blood did. When you trust Me, submit to Me, then and only then will you be able to be like Sarah and call your husband Lord, without any fear of him taking advantage of you. “ This lesson is a hard pill to swallow and I still find my spirit being loud and aggressive more often than not. Then I hear the Lord whisper, pride, self-righteous, stop trying to prove a point, apologize for your behavior and forgive even when he does not apologize, humble your self. I invite you to learn as I learn. 

Be willing to bear your soul-

Marriage requires you to share life with another person, on a level that most of us aren’t used to sharing. I’m not just talking about sharing your things, but opening yourself up to share your mind, heart, desires, and emotions. In order to have marriage Gods way, it requires you to be naked before Him and each other. Prior to marriage, the lord strategically had me share with my now husband things about my past, expose my hurts, and be really vulnerable even in times when it was uncomfortable and down right terrifying. I would think, what if he doesn't like me anymore, but every time I chose to trust God and bear my soul, God breathed grace and confidence my direction. As I shared, it built trust. It helped my then boyfriend to be vulnerable as well. Before we knew it these moments helped us to love each other the more. Even when we didn't like what we heard, we acknowledged that it took a lot of courage to share those things and then prayed for each other to cover the situation. We learned to love each other past our scars. As we celebrate 6 months of marriage the ability for us both to bear our souls first and foremost to God in our singleness and then for God to direct us to share with each other has helped us get through obstacles, grow together, and leave no room for the enemy. We love each other for who we are! Coming into a relationship as your true self, reduces false expectations, exposes the enemy, and allows Godly love to develop. We are two people choosing to do life together, sharing the good and the bad, bearing our souls to foster an intimate loving relationship centered on the Lord. I couldn't ask for anything more! No matter what stage of life you are in, whether you are single, dating, courting or married it's okay to let people in. Matter of fact it's actually freeing and healthy for you. Being vulnerable enough to share all of yourself takes courage; how someone responds to your vulnerability shows their character, and tells you whether or not they will be in your life for the long haul. - Written by Mrs. Earlena Elder ❤️

One of the most memorable pieces of advice I received in marriage was that, “marriage is about the worse, poor, and sick. The better, health, and rich is added favor.” Of course the better, health, and rich is our constant prayer; but it doesn’t mean that it will ever be a guaranteed reality. A pastor shared this with us, as the bills were piling up, as our perfect plan was slipping out of our hands, and as we were losing more and more sight of why we got married in the first place. I’ll be honest, i was so hopeless. I was the one ready to pack up my things and just go. That same season that broke me, also taught me grace. I had to learn to let my husband fail....and boy was that hard because I was always miss independent and if I was going to pass the torch and watch you complete a task, then you better not waste my time doing something wrong, that I could’ve done right on my own. That way of thinking would have worked with my cute single minded self, but as a WIFE, I’m not called to diminish his leadership in our marriage. I’m here to submit to him even through his mistakes. Serving and honoring my husband through better and worse is the best decision I could ever make.  Now as I write these words, I realize, if it wasn’t for the worse, poor, and sick, I wouldn’t know how to unconditionally embrace the better, health, and rich. 

A D V I C E Our Advice to you, prior to saying “I do”

As far as advice for a woman before marriage: honestly, it would be to stay pure. While it is also biblical, living out the alternative I can honestly say that there is so much added pressure and insecurities that come from sex before marriage. 

Before God ever said it’s not good for man to be alone, there was just man. Before you ever knew about falling in love, it was just you. Embrace your season of singleness because the 3 months, 6 months,1 year, 5 years that you invest in your wholeness now, is worth gold to the lifetime that is ahead of you with your spouse. You can enter marriage birthing prosperity, or rush into a marriage prematurely having to work overtime nursing brokenness.

Remember YOU ARE THE ADDED FAVOR. You are worth being found. You are the “good thing” you are the prize. Don’t you dare settle for a man who treats you as anything less than that! 

A man should enter your life as a partner, not as a project. Naturally women are nurturers, but it is not our job to raise, heal, fix, change, or save broken and abused men. 

. 

Learn to trust the Lord to defend you in all situations, submit your vulnerability 

Set your limit on warning signs. If a man lacks ambition and has no dreams, or hunger prior to “I do”, chances are those same patterns will come up in marriage. If he’s in prison now, lying now, cheating now, selling drugs now, sis those are red flags. Seek God every step of the way. Often what is unspoken before “I do” will be magnified in marriage 

If you’re a single mother and the man you are dating is not your child’s father, please make sure this man has intentions of marrying you AND your child, and that he has a genuine desire of partnering with you as you raise your child. 

A strong prayer life is REQUIRED! You WILL need prayers in marriage. For yourself, for your husband and over everything connected to you both. Get intimate in your prayer life with God, before getting intimate in your love life with a man

Do an inventory of his surroundings. I once dated a man whose family would get drunk and high at every family get together and though he didn’t participate, the environment made me so uncomfortable because it ALWAYS led to dysfunction, that I realized I didn’t want to spend forever being uncomfortable around his family entertaining foolishness.

If you’re engaged, please don’t go into debt, trying to entertain and impress a long list of people who may not show up, may not be in agreement with your union, or who you may not even talk to a year from now. Elaborate and expensive weddings look great in photos, but they are man made, and don’t feel good on credit reports years later. Share your love within your financial means!

Wise counsel is so important before marriage and throughout marriage. For my husband and I, we found that having pastors walk with us, who knew nothing about either of us worked well because then it never left room for a bashing session towards one person or the other, but instead set the tone for a healthy conversation. 

If you’re engaged, discuss a plan of attack over generational curses prior to marriage. My husband and I both came from families filled with divorce. So we walked into marriage declaring that divorce would not be an option for us. '

Learn each other’s love languages. It keeps the romance going for years to come, and will diminish any feelings of neglect or rejection throughout the relationship/marriage. 

I’m about to get deep- be aware of soul ties!!! No matter how lengthy your sex count is, or how many relationships you’ve been in before, take time to cleanse and break any connections or ties with every single one of those people before entering into covenant with your spouse. You can’t erase the past, but you both deserve ALL of each other. 

Being equally yoked. You each individually should be a force to be reckoned with individually, because together you will be a powerhouse that will move mountains. Make sure you compliment each other spiritually. 

Only what we do for Christ will last, if God is not in it, it won’t last.