The Need To Know

*Note: The information in this blog is based on scholarly research, millennial opinions (male and female) , personal experience, and the word of God. Enjoy!

If you have a pulse, you have some kind of need for survival. Similarly, in connection with others, whether single, dating, in a committed relationship, or married, we all have needs that we desire for ourselves and from others. Equally important though, is understanding what the opposite sex also needs from you. I’m not talking about what you want, because wants change in and out of time, but overwhelming, the needs of men women are universally and eternally the same. The true fact of the matter is, so many relationships come to a point of deficiency because one or both people miss the mark somewhere along the way, neglecting the needs of the other.

What men need- ( not in any particular order)

1.They need to be affirmed- Men need to feel like they are on top of the world They need you to acknowledge that they can hold it down, make logical decisions, and check everything off on your list of “honey-do’s”. One thing that my husband says that drives me crazy is “I got it”. The only reason it would bother me, is one, because I’m used to doing everything on my own, or two, I don’t trust his ability to actually get things done. Men need to know you trust them and to give them the space to fail even when they really don’t got it. But they will miss the mark every now and then. They need to know that you see them and acknowledge the efforts they make. Even if you don’t see all of their success, women have the ability to nurse and speak life into developing areas, and it lights a spark in them to put everything stagnant in their life, into motion- only a woman can do that. When they have a new vision or dream, and it sounds impossible or you can’t see how they might achieve it, affirm them anyway. They love knowing they are unstoppable, especially when their woman is right there with them every step of the way.

2. They need to be respected- Very similarly men NEED to be respected. It is not because of some egotistical, sexist standard, but it is because it’s a stem of the offspring of what love is. Women are the rib of the man. And biblically women are to submit to their husband’s lead. In the bible it says that Sarah honored and respected her husband Abraham so much that she called him Lord. Imagine dying completely to yourself to call your husband Lord, how many of you could do it? When we disrespect them or diminish their leadership in our lives and that of our children, we starve their need to be respected. This is not to say that men are more superior, because they are not. There’s a verse in the bible that refers to women as the “weaker vessel”, which can be misinterpreted at first glance. I attended a mid-week service recently where the great Bishop Noel Jones acknowledged that symbolically, if women are the jewel that is being housed in a glass container (the man) then the jewel is more fragile. If the glass container shatters, so will the jewel. Thus, it is important that we build our men up, and honor them with the same reverence that we would for the one who created us, so that he can flourish in his full purpose as a man.

3. They need sex- A study found that in a one week time span, men thought about sex 18.6 times in comparison to women 9.9 times. There is no surprise to this one, when we’re talking about sex, we are speaking a man’s language. This is beyond any word of affirmation or amount of emotional affection. Men need women to express their love and admiration physically, through the form of sex. Of course biblically, this is reserved for marriage, and when done in this way, it’s a new level of satisfaction that is pleasing to both spouses, but most importantly to God. Trust me, you will notice the signs when a man is not himself, and I guarantee if you feed his sexual hunger, he will turn into a new creature. Sex should be pleasurable for both men and women, but there is one thing men need to know about this, this need is not the same for women. While women do enjoy sex, sex is not the first thing on a woman’s mind when they wake up. 8 out of 10 women do not yearn desperately for sex.

4. They need Loyalty – It is true that the same way you get a man, is how you will keep a man. If you are the sidechick, that is all you will continue to be. Infidelity is not classified by gender. But in any relationship man or woman, there needs to be a clear and concise level of commitment. Not just I won’t cheat on you, but I will stand with you when you fail, when you fall short, when your insecurities start to show, when you’re at your worst, and at your best. Now obviously you can use wisdom and discernment and know your limits with this one, but women will fulfill a man’s needs by remaining loyal with him and only him, because it communicates that I trust you and respect you enough to stand with you, to put our relationship to the test through any circumstance forever.

5. They need Clarity in Communication- Men need you to make it clear and plain. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 just cut straight to it. Now I will get more into the different communication needs of men and women further down in this post, but men and women undoubtedly differ in this manner. In fact, a Harvard study found that the limbic vortex which is responsible for regulating emotions, was larger in women vs the amygdala which regulates sexual and social behavior was larger in men. While it could be concluded that men are drawn towards physical and social stimulation, the emotional appeal of women yields the need for deep, detailed, conversations that build relationship. A generalization can be made that when you say too many words as a woman, you are starving what a man really needs, and actually fulfilling your own desire. Men don’t want to play the guessing game, or always go on these deep long winded tangents. So make it clear and plain, and say what you mean and mean what you say.

What women really need in a relationship and why- (not in any particular order)

1. Communication – Girrrrrrrrrrl! It’s no secret here, women love to talk! The pleasure center of the female brain could be related to the fact that women enjoy talking more than men. In fact, women use three times as many words a day as men. This can also reflect the reason that men need clear and concise communication. Women on the other hand, need, not want, but need thorough, healthy, and consistent communication. Women not only need to be heard, but need you to actually listen. Not relate to what they are saying, not fix their problem, but just listen. Historically in our nation, women have had to, and still continue to fight for equal rights, and the certainty that their voice will not only be heard, but make a difference. If you want to lose a good woman, silence her voice. This demeaning expression will communicate that you do not value her words, or that what she has to say in general has no worth. Again, I will address more on this communication variable further down in this post, but the most important factor is let that woman be heard, and just as equally, let your words be heard to her as well Outside of finances, one of the number one reasons for divorce is a lack in communication. Communication is a vital medium and necessity for all flourishing relationships. We’re too grown to read minds and play the guessing game, speak up.

2. Time – I’ve heard this saying over and over again, and it speaks so much truth; people make time for what’s important for them, and excuses for what is not. Now this need is different from a person’s individual love language. In general, if you want to please a woman, give her your time. Nothing says, I value you so much, that I would stop what I am doing, and make you a priority in my life. Women value the one on one time where they can be themselves, and the center of your attention. Take your woman on a date, show her off to the world, nothing shows how important she is to you, than through the offering of your time. Don’t forget she could be doing anything else in the world too, so in the great words of the prophet Jaheim, “you better put that woman first.”

3. Respect – Just like men, women equally need to be respected. Women don’t want to feel inferior or worthless, relationships are about being equally yoked, about striding together, about becoming one, and in this, giving each other the same amount of honor. So many times when a woman is abused, they are physically inflicted, emotionally dragged, or called out of their name. Now I am not limiting men to being the only aggressors, and women being the only victims when it comes to abuse, but far too many times, the numbers of women in these situations outweighs men. Women need to not only be affirmed that they are queens, but treated accordingly. Women need to equally be praised for the sacrifices and relentless energy that goes into tending to a man’s needs, the needs of their own, the needs of their home, and so forth. Speak to the soul of a woman by showing her the upmost respect that she needs.

4. Security- There are three components that play into the security that a woman needs from a man. The first being physical security. Women need to feel protected and know without a doubt that if any danger comes their way, they have nothing to fear, because they have a man that can handle it. Secondly, women need financial security. Whether you are making six figures, or $12 an hour, there is no price you put on provision. While it is spoken that men should be the providers of their home, the most important factor is that you have a vision, a plan, or some kind of dream, and she is seeing that you are making strides to bring this to life. Finally, women need emotional security. One woman shared with me that she needs a man to be comfortable enough with himself, and her, to be vulnerable to express his emotions. Another woman shared that emotional security speaks to the light of her identity. That She can affirm plenty about herself, but can you protect her from her own thoughts? Can you give her the reassurance she needs? Are you confident enough in existing WITH each other and not FOR each other. Can you affirm things about her, accept her, speak life into her even on her worse days? When she’s anxious and depressed and her flaws are being magnified to the world, can you still cover and protect her emotional well-being? Now this one is deep, and speaks so much volume to the emotional appeal that is at the core of a woman. This is not the same as a woman being “emotional” or “hormonal”, this is the act of a man, breaking any wall of pride or protection, to be vulnerable with a woman, and share the inner most truths of himself. This comes with a lot of trust, a lot of time, a lot of patience, and a lot of understanding.

5. Honesty- The last thing that women shared that they need is your truth. Now lisssssssten if a woman says does this dress make me look fat?, tread lightly my brother! Obviously there are levels to this. But the point of the matter is that women need you to be honest about who you are, what you do, and your intentions, as it builds trust. This could also just be that you trust her enough to expose the rarest and most authentic form of you. When is the last time you’ve let your guard down and shared your deepest darkest truths, hurts, and pains that you swore you would never reveal to anyone, let alone another woman? When is the last time you’ve admitted you’ve failed without having to deflect any reasoning back on a woman? Can you be honest enough with yourself to be honest with her?

Communication

Women need to be heard and validated- men just want to fix the problem. When a woman is sharing something about her day, how stressed she might be, maybe something frustrating that happen at work that day, men may be less likely to empathize, and more likely to offer a list of suggestions or ways to just fix the problem.

On the other hand, when men become vulnerable about their feelings and needs, they just want to be heard. They may not always want a woman to respond and share some kind of emotional connection to what they are saying.

It may be helpful to ask in these conversations; do you want me to just listen or give you advice?

In addition to what’s being said, is the even greater impact of what’s not being said. When it comes to nonverbal communication, men need physical presence, but may have a relaxed posture that communicates disinterest. Women need eye contact, and close proximity, to affirm the power and value of their words and feelings.

Women are storehouses of information it is innate. Women are natural nurturers, and our minds travels a million miles per minute - Due to gray and white matter in the brain- women are more capable of managing multiple tasks, while men become more irritated when they have to do several things at a time.

Men need it straight and one point at a time. If I verbally give my husband a list of things to do while I’m gone, he will for sure commit to doing the first one, and MAYBE the second, because that’s all he heard If I tell my husband something he’s done that may have offended me, but instead of getting straight to the problem, I go through a play by play of every single thing he said, how he said it, why he said it, when he said it, what he shouldn’t have done, what he should do next time, and though that might be how women communicate, it could be translated as nagging, when that wasn’t even the original intention.

It may be helpful for women to stick to one to two points that affected the overall problem, and it may be helpful for men to offer feedback when needed, and to avoid any kind of sarcasm.

Consider this……

1.. Have you considered why you need what you need? Was it because of bad experiences in the past? Being independent worked so well with my cute single self, until I got married. The only reason I needed a man to understand that I could do bad all by myself, and that I didn’t need a man’s help, and that I could hold it down, was because that’s all I’ve ever known as a single woman and mom. But that attitude got me in trouble, because I wasn’t hurting my husband, I was diminishing his ability to lead, and thus, neglecting his need for honor and respect as the head of our home. Have you stopped to reflect on what you might be holding on from a bad experience or relationship, that has altered your reasoning for needing what you do and won’t allow you to let it go?

Was it because of planted seeds stemming from your foundation? When I was growing up, I observed all the things I knew I did not want in a marriage from my parents, but it also taught me to evaluate all the things I would need. I knew I needed a man who was emotionally sound. Who was so secure in himself, that he would never need to devalue me through any form of abuse. I needed a man that was so sold out for God, that he would never have to sell out to drugs or alcohol. I needed a man that would show how much of the head he was, that he would grind out to provide for our home and children, so we would never go without. Those needs were beyond naturally innate needs, they were nurtured over time through what my parents indirectly taught me. They were planting seeds, before my own experiences at love would ever have the time to tarnish, and diminish my harvest.

- Have your needs ever been redirected because of someone else’s insecurities or weaknesses?

Have you ever been in a relationship that didn’t work, and then when you both began to confront each other as to why it wasn’t working, the other person would tell you all the things you’ve ever done wrong. So then you would go back to being single, and try to repair the areas they didn’t like, and then got into a whole new relationship, and that person was pointing out completely different problems they had with you, and then you had to just throw your hands up like well dang what am I missing! And it may not have ever been you- maybe just maybe you never considered that every single person needed something different that you didn’t even realize they needed so you blamed yourself instead. - maybe they needed you to fill a void in their life based on an insecurity they had, but you were ill equipped to fill it because that was their mothers job. I mean if we can be real some people still need their mothers and fathers and are trying to seek it in you knowing they’ll never find it.

We can ultimately vanish unrealistic expectations, by getting to the real root of why we need what we need. My need may have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my upbringing or failed examples or marriages and relationships in my life. But, it needs to be dealt with prior to entering a relationship, and not selfishly projected on your partner to fix it.

2. Relationships are projects, people are not – Just because a particular need is not being fulfilled by someone, does translate the right to walk away from a relationship. Equally important, is the knowledge that no one is called to be your savior but Christ. What I am saying though, is that our needs are unique, but the beauty is that when it comes to being in relation with one another, men and women are equally equipped to give the other what they need. Over time, relationships should be reflective of sacrificing and giving, to meet the needs of the other. Not to change, judge, or criticize those needs, but to intentionally offer up more of you, so that more of them can be filled and vice versa. When this healthy balance beam of giving exists, neglect and deficiency will never be found.

Above all else, no matter if you are single, dating, engaged, or married, the word of God says that there is only one, that will supply ALL of your needs according to His riches in glory, and all of you have to do is seek first the kingdom of God, and everything else will be added unto you.