What Language are we Speaking? #Day23 #2minutegems

Love languages

As we have explored relationships over any period of time, many of us have heard about the five love languages by Gary Chapman:

-Words of Affirmation

-Acts of Service

-Gifts

-Quality Time

-Physical Touch

I’m going to be bold enough to say.... one of the biggest conflicts in relationships and marriages is not speaking each others language. Often times your partner will feel neglected because you're loving them the way you want to, verses the way their soul needs to be filled--- I call this their love tank.

So let's get to it!

Sex or Physical touch.....

So you wake up on hard and expect your girl just to put it on you because that’s what you need in that moment. And let’s say she agrees… you get your little satisfaction, but for her it meant nothing… And maybe during the climax you were so into your own feelings that you never looked up to see if she was climaxing with you, or if she was just tolerating the moment....

Maybe your spouse had a long day and they just want you to rub their back without it turning into sex.

Maybe your partner is tired of having quickies and wants some intimacy... quick skipping the foreplay!

Maybe your partner don’t want to always be on top! - okay I’m done lol

You’re getting older maybe you do need the blue pill shoot- ain’t no shame in that game

At every age and stage of your relationship you are going to have to communicate those sexual needs on both ends in order to feel fulfilled!

A lot of times these Unrealistic expectations in general are based on societal norms that were made up by hollywood

Or from these dream world soul ties and selfish fantasies that you never cut loose before you got married!

You had Carlos, Lee Jon, Billy Bob, and Daedae......

Hittin all the right spots in all the right angles. Sending every “good morning beautiful” text

Showering you with gucci and playin stepdaddy of the year....

And now you're expecting lil Johnny- the man you prayed for to do alllllllladat by his self?….

What world are we living in?

Fellas

You had Keisha doing the lil dance you liked …. Sarah cooking shrimp and grits the way ya mama did…. Bri bri doing all kinds of tricks on it ......

And now you want your Wife - who you prayed for to do alllllladat and some?….

And when your fantasy isn’t fulfilled, you cheat?…. But y’all not ready for me to go there

Sex in marriage is one of THE most greatest gifts and honors to God and your spouse. For once you don't have to give all of you to this person, that person, and the next... Your body soul, spirit, and every wild fantasy can be given to the ONE person you get to do life with... No it won't be over the top every single day, but dang don't you want it to be close?

Communication -

Ive hit on this in other blogs before, and experienced this in my own relationships....

Many times women will pour out their little heart and soul to their man and you're ten minutes deep into it, and don't even realize he checked out 5 minutes ago. Once it hits you, you're standing there heartbroken because you now don't feel heard or valued...

Ladies in those moments you have to take a step back and ask, is this a good time?... is there something already going on in my partners mind that may keep them from being present in this moment? Am I speaking out of emotion? Does what I'm feeling need to be stated right now?

I also believe this dynamic is two fold. A lot of times women will bare their soul and expect their man to meet them in that same place.... The issue is, as I've mentioned in a previous post- men were raised to be tough, suck it up, not cry, not show emotion, then when they become men, they have no clue how to be open and vulnerable.... They can also sometimes be fearful of how their vulnerability may be perceived.....

A few notes from my blog post, The Need to Know: https://braliafortune.wixsite.com/utterlyinspired/post/the-need-to-know

-"In fact, a Harvard study found that the limbic vortex which is responsible for regulating emotions, was larger in women vs the amygdala which regulates sexual and social behavior was larger in men. While it could be concluded that men are drawn towards physical and social stimulation, the emotional appeal of women yields the need for deep, detailed, conversations that build relationship. "

-"Men need it straight and one point at a time.

-In conflict it may be helpful for women to stick to one to two points that affected the overall problem, and it may be helpful for men to offer feedback when needed..."

Quality Time - Can encompass words of affirmation and acts of service in one….

Sometimes people enjoy just laying next to you… and that’s free 99

Other times they want you to sit in the same room and just be present… no phones, no electronics, no work, just you and them.... and maybe a couple kind words of affirmation here and there…

Sometimes showing up for your spouse is- honey you go in the other room and spend sometime on building your craft .....or honey you go out and spend some time with your friends because feeling their “time- love tank” doesn’t need to be spent with you 24/7.

I also think with affirming its not just affirming who they are today or who they’ll be tomorrow… it’s also including their morals and values, and the things that are important to them…

For example let’s say your partner has desires to open their own business… so they spend a lot of time researching … even though that has nothing to do with you- it has everything to do with how you affirm where they are … so if you choose to affirm them by saying "ooo honey you look so handsome today", you might not get a grandiose response from them because what they really want to hear is honey I’m so proud of you. Your dreams will come to Life and I can’t wait to watch this idea unfold with you!

Let’s say your spouse wants to grow spiritually so they decide to start going to church more or reading a book about growing their faith....

You don’t have to do what they’re doing to affirm them. But your words can acknowledge and reflect the space they are growing in.

“Baby you look good today” might get a cute little giggle, but what will really reach their soul is "baby I see the spiritual work you’re doing and I hope God reveals everything you’re searching for. Can I sit with you for a moment and hear what you’re learning so far?" That’s affirmation!

In friendships.....

You can’t be the “ I can’t make it” friend every time you get invited but send gifts to express your love......Really your people just want you to show up for them

The Relationship with yourself

I talked in blindfolded about how your relationship with your self is number one...

This is the part many people skip ....

Because if you don’t know what you want and need how can you communicate to someone else how you want them to love you?,,,,

You’ll be depressed and go out and buy yourself something and come home still feeling the same because that’s not what your soul and spirit really needed .....

Your season of singleness will always save you from you... When you learn to love you then you really don't need anyone else to do it.... But all of the love you receive in addition to that is just the cherry on top...

My challenge for you in 2023

Ask your partner, spouse, significant other, the following questions on a weekly basis:

How can I show up for you?

What does love in this season look like for you?

Are there any areas where your love tank is feeling neglected?

Keep these questions relevant because maybe 5 years ago your partner needed one thing, and now their love language is completely different. Don’t get too comfortable

Resources

Five love languages : https://5lovelanguages.com

"His needs her needs" by Dr. Willard F. Harley jr.