It's A Trap: The Danger of Idolizing Other Relationships

Why idolizing other marriages sets you up for automatic failure

#TheDangerOfComparison

I watched a video last July broadcasting the news that Dave and Rachel Hollis have mutually decided to file for divorce.

Within this video was the commentating of countless followers sharing their disappointment in how they felt “duped”, lied to, falsely led on, and how this decision would indefinitely cause the couple to lose their support moving forward. For those who don’t know, Dave and Rachel Hollis are two very well known:

• Authors,

• Business owners; RISE conference, RISE Together :Podcast, The Hollis Co.

• Bloggers,

• Motivational speakers,

• Parents, and so on.

They have lived their life in a very public eye sharing endless life, and relational advice.

While they have alluded to working through some regularly expected relational issues, they’ve never overtly shared their pending decisions to divorce.

In a recent social media post, they shared with their followers that this decision had been on the table for 3 years. As a couple that advocates deeply for healthy sustaining marriage, this decision definitely came as a surprise to most.

While no one knows the ends and outs of this marriage or why this decision was ultimately made, I understand why it can be seen as hypocritical to advocate for healthy relationships, broadcast your own marriage as the healthiest relationship, and then sporadically decide to divorce. It's a dangerous trap when others use your marriage as the golden relationship.

We’ve seen this since then, with Pastor John Gray and his wife. Pastor Carl lentz and his marriage. Tyrese and his marriage. The Smith's and their entanglement, and most recently Derrick Jackson and his wife.

Let me just say this, Narcissism is REAL! Mental disorders are real, and more common than you think. If you haven’t read my blog and experience with narcissism, check it out here...

Whether In the church or not.

God is uprooting the molded seeds before it contaminates His fruit!

While this can be deeply discouraging, I think it ultimately convicts people in general to be led back to reflecting on their own values and morals. These values and morals are not dependent on the lives and choices of others, they are personally your own for a reason. This exposes who and what we idolize.

We live in a highly influential world where people are more drawn by what they see, rather than what they know. Marriages are tough, and when mine began to fall apart, I felt like, I wasn’t just letting God down, but I would be letting others down as well, regardless if they knew the truth or not.

Transparency should be used as a means of encouragement not idolization.

In the beginning stages of my marriage, we transparently shared so many snippets of our story as a reminder of what not to do because of how it convicted us; sex, drinking, serving in ministry, and not really being submitted to God.

The danger is when you only post what you want people to see, and not the real raw truth. When you publicize your life, it then becomes a platform. I mean from the day we got engaged it felt like a huge production for the world to see. When that happens, sometimes there’s such a pressure to save face, please people, and be the “Golden relationship” instilling hope into souls. Yikes!

So when my marriage shifted and we prepared to divorce, I got off of social media because I was embarrassed, and not ready for the shame that would come with failing. I also did not want to be distracted in my process of healing.

So when failure happens ... the same platform that rose you to instant social media fame or influence, is the same platform that can expose the grave of your humanity and mistakes.

Sometimes when it fails..

• it’s one sided

• its too much pride

• emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial instability

• Addiction takes over

• One spouse may have already physically, emotionally, and mentally left the relationship

• Sometimes the motives of one spouse from the beginning are not pure

• Sometimes there’s infidelity

• Sometimes people do grow apart and don’t put in the work to make it work

• Sometimes people don't know how to walk away civilly so they drag the others name through the mud in lies and slander for social brownie points

The sometimes are endless!

This is why your season of singleness is so important, so you can learn self love and boundaries.

• You can learn to set standards and really know what the peace of God feels like in receiving His approval of your future...

• You can examine your intentions, and others intentions, pray, and actually wait to hear from God, realize the red flags, consult the wise counsel of those around you who have fruitful relational success in public AND private!

• Go to premarital counseling, deal with your childhood wounds, create a foundation of solid friendship, over communicate, and ask a million questions, pay attention to their family and their background, watch how they move.

• Be honest, don’t waste each other’s time if it’s not going to work, stop using other broken people to fill voids of your own brokenness.

• Relinquish yourself from all the lingering soul ties (physically and emotionally) that you are bound to.

• Read books about self growth, fall in love with yourself.

• Date with purpose, be content spending time alone, hone in on your crafts and dreams, practice conflict management and giving and receiving constructive feedback.

• Identify your physical and emotional crutches (if you’re still out every weekend at the club looking for your spouse then marriage isn’t for you fam).

• if you’re out Netflix and chillin, and sexin with anyone like it’s no big deal you’re not ready for anything long term or serious!

Is your life in singleness fertile ground to sow seeds in unity with another soul?

• Get with mentors

• Identify Godly accountability around you

• Do your research, ask God to give you what to desire

• Ladies affirm yourself so that you’re not naively won over by a man’s lustful tongue

• Know that you are the prize and worth being pursued, you don’t have to chase or beg any man to value you (a good man knows a good thing when he sees it)

• Take your tiiiiiiiiime

• Self love should always be the goal before marriage is the goal

• Fall in love with the love of God

• Pay attention to their fruit

• Are they all talk, or do they have fruit to back it up?

All of these will save you so much time, energy, and pain before you make such a huge decision.

There is this societal trap that in order to be successful you have to be married, and have kids, and own a home, and be debt free, by a certain age and time. It’s a pressure trap that is far from realistic so, many people rush through the process as I did, and hurry and get married without even truly realizing all that, the commitment and covenant of marriage entails.

The best advice I ever received from one of my greatest friends, was that if it’s not real, it’s not inspiring.

So even if your “real” is real ugly, at least it’s authentic and people can take it, or leave it.

I think within this generation we thrive on transparency. There were too many people and marriages before us that were cookie cutting and sugar coating marriage that pushed us to have these unrealistic expectations that we HAVE to be perfect. Yet, we get in relationships, and feel everything but perfect. Don’t be so inspired by what you see on social media that you try to replicate something that isn’t even real.

Run your own race! Train, build your stamina, cultivate healthy habits, and come ready to run your race in your lane, with one focus, winning! Winning personally, and relationally, without allowing losing or quitting to ever be an option.

This is the reason why people like Michael Todd are so deeply admired by the millennial generation, because he doesn’t hold anything back. When him and his wife share their truth,

they share it with the desire to transform the way that others will do relationships in the future.

Not by the standard of perfection, but progression. Do we know every single detail that goes on in their marriage, no! Can we assume that they put in relentless work behind the scenes to keep their marriage thriving, of course. Would we be caught off guard if they just up and divorced, absolutely. But they use their platform for Gods glory, authentic and all, broken and all, progressing and all. And that’s the place where we should be. Thriving to be our authentic selfs whether it’s seen or not. Not using our highs for self fame, and not discrediting the beauty of our most broken moments.

I pray this encourages you, in whatever season of relationship that you are in. Please share with others who may benefit from these points of reflection. God bless!

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