Melanism pt2: conflicts of colorism in the community of black women and restructuring our lens

Conflicts of colorism in the community of black women and restructuring our lens of solutions

In Melanism:A Black Man's Preference, I opened up my platform to express some observations, frustrations, and truths about some continuous conflicts within the black community. As promised, I couldn't rest without shifting the lens from the conflicts among black men, without acknowledging black women. After sharing the first blog post, many conversations arose with many people sharing their experiences and hopes for the future of the black community when it comes to colorism. So, I began extending those conversations to dive into the issues black women face not only with black men, but also with other black women. Below you will find a series of questions that I surveyed to a few black women, as well as their responses. At this point, it wouldn't be enough to continue the conversation about what's wrong, it's like beating a dead horse. So, this post equally offers some solutions worth considering that we all can adapt and apply now.

Not only do I share a perspective from another black woman, I also magnify this idea of "black women matter". As you read, my hope is that you will bring an open mind to a sensitive and heavy topic. I hope you will share your thoughts and feedback, and continue this conversation from a solutions oriented lens with those around you. Thank you for your time and support. God bless, and live inspired as you read Melanism pt2.

Survey results

7 black women answered the following questions:

1.Which skin tone do you believe is preferred most by men?

2.Which skin tone of women do you believe is preferred most by other women- inside and outside of your race in friendships ?

3.How often have you been treated different because of your skin tone within the black community?

4.Does your friend circle reflect your own skin tone?

5.How often have you had to kill the thoughts of comparison because of your skin tone or hair type?

6.Have you ever made the decision to date outside of your race because you didn’t feel seen or valued by black men?

7.Have you ever thought about moving, or have moved to another state to increase your likelihood of dating?

8.Please share when you the knew the tone of your skin mattered/made a difference.

9.How do you believe we can work to correct the issues around colorism in the black community?

Points of reflection

It is not just dark skin women being afflicted, offended, or impacted. While dark skinned women are often marginalized and targeted, women with lighter skin tones are being held responsible and treated as abusers for crimes they never committed.

Self love and self reflection is key.

The facts from "A Black Man's Perspective" align to the survey of a black woman's perspective; lighter skin in women, is perceived by both sides to be valued/preferred more.

Even in friendships, women believe that women with lighter skin are preferred inside and outside of their race.

Comparison is poisonous. It has a huge impact on the way that many black women see themselves.

There are a significant amount of black women who don't feel seen or heard by black men. This can also be why there are so many feelings of rejections being carried by black women.

This truth not only pushes women to date outside of their race, but also go as far as moving, or considering moving to another state.

The work we need to be committed to doing within educating and empowering our black children needs to begin while they are young.

A Black woman's experience

One of my beautiful friends opens up to share her experience as a black woman:

I grew up with darker skinned cousins who i loved and were pretty much my only friends (best friends). I grew up in a predominantly white town all my life and didn’t even know colorism was a thing until high school. It wasn't until my cousin opened up about her experience with not only living in our white racist town but also with black men. She told me about the insecurities she has felt before, and about bringing me around her crushes both white and black because she felt like they would find me more attractive because i was lighter. Growing up in the town we did, I did have my own insecurities.

"I hated my curly hair, i didn’t feel attractive because I didnt have blue eyes and white skin. "

I never got any attention and the black boys that were in my town had been known to find validation in the white boys by putting down black girls of all shades and only liking white girls. So to hear this from my cousin really shook me. I thought I was having a rough time being a mixed girl, but it became clear that my fully black cousin who was much darker than me had an even harsher experience. Especially because she was just a few shades darker. She is so beautiful and always has been to me and her darker skin is apart of that. Later on, being able to go to other places, and make friends elsewhere, we found ourselves getting attention both black and not.

When I was learning about colorism it was crazy to hear stories about how back in the day,

"if you were darker than a paper bag, then you weren't allowed into certain places, and parents would send their children who were lighter to live as white people."

Back then that was the only way to survive. Being lighter was in a way safer and really the devil divided a strong group of people he knew were stronger together. Over the years insecurities have built up, and lies have been adopted, that someone is better because of their color or not good enough because of their color is extreme nonsense and a huge lie.

I have come across black men, AND IT BE THE DARKEST ONES to say that they would never be with a black woman, and if so, only up to a certain shade. Personally, I believe that has a lot to do with their own insecurities about their own color.

How do we reconstruct our lens, from the perspective of solutions, around colorism within the black community?

We should continue to use our platforms (social media, networks, professional, religious, and educational spaces), to continue these conversations. Engage in constructive conversations with those who don't always agree with you or see things the way you do. Stop playing defense, and use those opportunities as moments to educate ourselves and others.

Check yourself and your own biases- how do you value and appreciate your self first?.... how do you address these biases in relationships or in the work place?

Acknowledge the part we play - whether in jokes or the people in our circle, we can't approach issues around colorism, and racial reconciliation as if they aren't our problem. While we are not solely responsible, we all have a part to play.

Make spaces - while I believe it’s important for the world outside of us to make spaces, I also believe that we need to make spaces for each other. Black women for other black women, regardless the tone, and for black men as well.

We need to continue to practice grace for what we know and don't know. Stop carrying offenses and always finding a way to hold someone responsible. You may find that engaging in these conversations from a place of grace, may allow those who don't see things the way you do to be received differrently.

Be open minded. Stop being closed off to one particular view of beauty, and if that is a struggle, find the root of your biases, insecurities, and work to "unlearn" toxic beliefs.

Throw away the need for competition And embrace the power of collaboration. Of course there’s the saying if you can’t beat them join them. But it’s true, if someone you know is already killing in what they do, why would you try to compete with that. Be an asset and join their movement. We are all so much stronger together. I feel this especially for black women.

Support black businesses- not just this, but share those positive experiences on your social media platforms so others can support that as well.

For black women supporting other black women, don’t be afraid to speak highly and positively about other women when they aren’t in the room. This includes honoring their projects, products, and accomplishments. When they win, we win too!

Be willing to share your resources and connections with others. Living in the Midwest I haven’t experienced this often. However, when I moved to the south black people know how to show other black people love whether you know each other or not. The truth is simple, when one wins, we all can win. Practice adopting that mentality.

Here is another great resource for black men to check their biases and privileges when it comes to black women. It is The Black Male Privilege Checklist.

Ladies know that you are not the super hero. Realize this truth; when entering into relationships wearing a cape, will cause emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical fatigue. The only person you can save is you. Set the new standard and know that men, especially black men should delight in being the protector, respecter, and provider. You should never have to change any aspect of who you are, or who they are to get the love and respect you deserve.

“You can’t be what you’ve never seen.” This can't be the excuse anymore for women or men. Whether you're a black man who did not grow up with a father, or a black woman who grew up with an emotionally absent, bitter, or battered mother. In an effort to not perpetuate cyclical damage upon each other, reach out for help. Find resources, remove toxic people from your life, and find mentors who are strong, positive examples in public and private that can support you through this process. In addition, this is a great opportunity to get counseling so that you can access the tools to diminish the roots of behaviors of colorism and racial conflict.

Take more risks and befriend or date someone who you normally would not.

Work to erase the cookie cutter ideas of beauty that society has placed on you, or the ones you've naturally adopted.

If you complain about it and do nothing about it you’re a part of the problem.

As black women, we need to protect each other just as much as we want to be protected by our black men

We need to continue to normalize mental health and counseling in the black community and create safe spaces where we can all heal, learn, and grow together.

We need to educate our youth about the value and the beauty of their skin when their minds are still fragile and moldable. Our children need to know their history at earlier ages. I was in my first year of my undergraduate program before I truly learned about African American history. As an educator, I do believe that we should tailor information to be age-sensitive, but we shouldn't put a cap on what our children know. It is better to learn it from us, then to have to face it from a lens of ignorance in the face of oppression and racism in the world.

I believe there are different standards for black men and black women. I equally believe we value the opinions and thoughts and praise of each other so much that we’re just as sensitive and broken when we’re torn down by that same group of people.As a black community, we’re so quick to judge and jump on the hate bandwagon train. Whatever is relevant in culture we jump on and talk about it before we know facts. The same applies for the gossip and slander we create against people within our intimate circles. The power of black men and women protecting each other and fighting for each other would be so much more powerful rather than always jumping to the attack and defense.

Equally, there needs to be a consistent space where black men, can have healthy dialogue where they aren’t judged or misunderstood. Where it’s authentic, and they can grieve, heal, and be human without always having to wear a superhero cape as well.

There’s power in unity. We’re so much stronger together than apart

More appreciation

More respect

More celebration

Learn your history because knowledge births the power to appreciate and respect your identity.

The significance of the statement "black women matter"

I believe people see a picture similar to the one on the left, and immediately think "attitude", intimidating, maybe even "b****". Depending on the perspective, others may see beauty, strength, independence, pride, or resilience.

Of course we know black women matter. But I believe it is the story in our inner most being, that shines outward that defines just what that saying means.

Black women matter because we are the heart and souls of decades of royalty. We are mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, friends, educators, doctors, lawyers, influencers, creators, and encouragers all within the walls of our own homes,

We matter because, while black men fight the hardest battles, we provide a safe haven and place of peace for our black men to rest.

We matter because we divulge in emotional, psychological, and spiritual warfare on behalf of our marriages, families, children, and communities on a daily basis.

We matter because we suffer silently, and still show up within out various roles extending strength, wisdom, and grace to those around us.

We matter because we faced/ face criticism, judgment, backlash inside and outside of our community and still rise to look ourselves in the mirror and declare words of life about our brilliance and beauty.

We matter because we are creative. Not only do we always take nothing and make something beautiful, but we create our own style, our own medicine, and our own hair care.

We matter because we are defenders. Of ourself, and of our black brothers who are constantly being torn down. I have never met a more loyal breed of humans who will hold down and defend black men the way black women do. We believe in black men, we speak life into black men, and we often lower our standards just to show black men how much they are worth it, even though it often comes with a price. We don't just say it for props, just to turn around and choose another race behind the scenes, we say it because we mean it. Dark, light, wrong, or right, we truly love black men!

We matter because come hell or high water, no matter how hard the battle, abuse, neglect, rape, rejection, depression, abandonment, or fear, we raise children to be curse breakers, and we fight to ensure that our children receive accessible and equitable education.

We matter because we will have the whole house smelling like cafe de la soul without any recipes or cookbooks. We never need much to provide nourishment for the body and the soul.

We matter because we take the labels that the world places on us and use them as blank canvas' to rewrite our own narratives.

We matter because we sacrifice our last to ensure our children are everything we could never be.

No matter what "it" is, we always make it work.

We matter because we don't get to miss a game, a practice, a birthday, a graduation, or any occasion worth celebrating. You'll see us, and you'll definitely hear us yelling, "that's my baby" with immeasurable pride because that's just what we do.

We matter because we defy stereotypes and generalizations. We are constantly proving that there are no limits to what black women can do. We are given odds, we are underpaid, undervalued, underresourced, and we make melanin look like magic. #blackgirlmagic

We are nurtures, providers, prayer-warriors, and rule breakers. We are Queens!

"Black women matter" is not just another bandwagon slogan. It is not just another brand that we can put on or take off. This is the very essential truth of our existence. We have always mattered. And we always will. In death and life!

So to all my beautiful black Queens with style, grace, and class, keep rising, keep shining, keep smiling, and keep defying. We see you, we celebrate you, we love you, we are you!

OUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS MATTER